Holy crap! A Daily Deviation

Thanks ^Bloodredsangre for featuring Portents as a DD:



I knew you guys liked it - didn't know you liked it THAT much

So today is packing day, and tomorrow, and the next day. So I'll be quite busy - no new arts for a little while, and then jumping on the commishes I've got piled up once I'm done moving. And then having to come back up to Connecticut for court on June 2nd.

By Mid-June I'll be ready to shoot myself.

By end-June, Anthrocon.

AAUGH!



Went out for lunch and hung out with =smallangryredhead aka ~DJ-Jynx yesterday, there was much snarkiness. She gave me a small purple blanket that's cuddly as hell, and wants to take me out to dinner before I leave. We're making plans for her to stop by in Chattanooga after I'm settled. There's possibly some projects in the works...

Nothing much else to report.

-Zuri
p.s. I should probably pick up a DeviantArt Tshirt and/or laptop bag before my convention season starts

Switched to a new CSS by *Benijamino

When you get a chance, please check out my new poll?

"The heart deceives, because it is never anything but the expression of the mind’s miscalculations ... I don’t know what the heart is, not I: I only use the word to denote the mind’s frailties." - Marquis de Sade

Spooky's latest fixation: STEAMPUNK





Also be sure to check out the band Abney Park when you get a chance, I've been grooving to their song Root of all Evil, and I'm in love with it.

My contempt case has been concluded, the courts having determined that I am in compliance with my order - and now fully understanding that I really can't afford the $690/month support order on a fixed income (disability). The judge was going to continue our case for sometime in July, but I guess he noticed my hands starting to shake (the courthouse was ridiculously crowded - and I panic in crowds) and that I was about to start crying... pointing out that I'm supposed to be moving out of state in the next couple weeks, and that I can't keep running cross-country to return to court. Support enforcement tried to tell the Judge they were never informed of this - whereby myself and my ex pointed out they were informed of this on our LAST court date, as well as given my new address.

The Judge decided that he wasn't going to continue as long as I remained in compliance, and that since I've filed for a modification, to see if I can have the modification done to my support on the same day as my visitation (June 2nd). Yes, I know this means I have to return to Connecticut for a June 2nd hearing.. but.. what irritates me is trying to figure out how to get back up here, where to stay, and how to get back.

At least that's one thing I don't have to worry about for the time being. Next on the list: Packing and moving.

This weekend (hopefully) the kids are coming over. The plans for the moment are for birthday cake (My son turns 15 on the 19th, as well as my younger son's 13th birthday on July 2nd, which I won't be here for), maybe taking them to see Iron Man... and who knows what else.

For now, my biggest goal is to try to get an ounce of sleep I lost last night to tears and nightmares, and hopefully just not crying tonight.

Thank you for sticking by me - I know I've been a royal mess lately...

-Zuri

Switched to a new CSS by *Benijamino

When you get a chance, please check out my new poll?

"The heart deceives, because it is never anything but the expression of the mind’s miscalculations ... I don’t know what the heart is, not I: I only use the word to denote the mind’s frailties." - Marquis de Sade

Spooky's latest fixation: STEAMPUNK





Also be sure to check out the band Abney Park when you get a chance, I've been grooving to their song Root of all Evil, and I'm in love with it.

I was invited to
A beheading today.
I thought I was a butterfly
Next to your flame.
A rush of panic and
The lock has been raped.
This is only a game,
This is only a game...
- Marilyn Manson - Eat Me, Drink Me

I've been crying every night.

Tomorrow I go to my therapist, who won't be able to do anything for me.

She'll tell me to 'breathe'.

I'll always be second-best - an afterthought.

I look like I haven't slept in weeks.

Not even a phone call on Mother's Day.

Court this Tuesday. Still no callbacks from the lawyer. Don't know why I have to be there. Don't know if I'm going to jail.

I never listen, and I never learn.

If it's just a game, when can I take my toys and just... go home?

I just want... one night... without tears.

-Zuri

Switched to a new CSS by *Benijamino

When you get a chance, please check out my new poll?

"The heart deceives, because it is never anything but the expression of the mind’s miscalculations ... I don’t know what the heart is, not I: I only use the word to denote the mind’s frailties." - Marquis de Sade

Spooky's latest fixation: STEAMPUNK





Also be sure to check out the band Abney Park when you get a chance, I've been grooving to their song Root of all Evil, and I'm in love with it.

*sigh*

So I just got the txt msg that my ExHB isn't sending my kids this weekend to visit (the third weekend in a row I haven't seen them). They're staying at his mother's. That means... the plans shadowpraxis and I had been trying to make for Mother's Day are meaningless.

...

Why do I keep trying?

-Zuri

Switched to a new CSS by *Benijamino

When you get a chance, please check out my new poll?

"The heart deceives, because it is never anything but the expression of the mind’s miscalculations ... I don’t know what the heart is, not I: I only use the word to denote the mind’s frailties." - Marquis de Sade

Spooky's latest fixation: STEAMPUNK





Also be sure to check out the band Abney Park when you get a chance, I've been grooving to their song Root of all Evil, and I'm in love with it.

Had to reschedule my interview for Social Security. Ex couldn't get me my kids Social Security numbers in time.

Court on Tuesday. Are they going to throw me in jail? No clue, my lawyer still hasn't called me back.

Shadow's gf is visiting for the next two weeks, to help him get ready to move.

Connecticut mental health won't prescribe me anything for the short term to help me get through all this. They offered to prescribe me one dose of Ativan, for the day of my court date. My clinician's response when I told her I wasn't able to cope until then was "use your DBT skills, and remember to breathe."

If my motherfucking DBT skills were worth a damn, I wouldn't *need* to be medicated. I wouldn't be crying my eyes out every night. I wouldn't be isolating myself away from everyone and everything. I'd leave the house. I'd leave this chair. This screen.

It's just not worth this. Why is the struggle worth what I have? I've lost my kids, any money I had, my sense of self-worth, my dignity, and my heart. I'm a husk of a human being, and I'm tired of fighting the fight. The hardest part of living is deciding when enough is enough. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there are no happy endings. There's just endings, and there's nothing happy about them.

Sometimes, things just aren't supposed to work out. I get that now.

-Zuri

Switched to a new CSS by *Benijamino

When you get a chance, please check out my new poll?

"The heart deceives, because it is never anything but the expression of the mind’s miscalculations ... I don’t know what the heart is, not I: I only use the word to denote the mind’s frailties." - Marquis de Sade

Spooky's latest fixation: STEAMPUNK





Also be sure to check out the band Abney Park when you get a chance, I've been grooving to their song Root of all Evil, and I'm in love with it.